By SORiaN (Sorin Cretu) August, 2017
A talk with Devil and Angel inside You
I. The second inner voice
I hear your voice, my darling angel,
I am listening to it from within,
The voice of your heart,
Brightening, enchanting everything...
I hear another one inside that one sometimes,
Frightening, devouring, yelling, screaming at the world
So sharp, so swift..like whirlwind,
In the night mist...
It flowers from down earth,
With loneliness and distance watered...
Who are you? I asked in the dark
Say your name, I want to talk to you...
Come out, from behind your curtains,
Tell me, if there is presence in you...
The Fear of Pain echoed shadowy in the depth of that voice,
The veiled curse of hiding it away for too long,
The unbearable weight of not letting go
For ages of life before,
The unknown ingratitude of all the fulfilled wishes,
The past that poured plenty on you,
The offerings of all you wanted,
Except of what you needed most.
The pain of coping with this war
Through little else but the success of ego,
Because that was the only binding
Solid enough to close the wound...
I hear again the voice of truth and goodness,
I hear the godly song and gentle dance of love in you,
Yet underneath, the alter voice is roaring,
River of night washing your shores with bitter dew,
And vicious, wild winds,
So tall, electrifyingly powerful...
Every lightening striking at its aim,
Never too late, never too early,
Never omitting their coup.
Thunderous noises at your door,
Raging dreams of savage fears tossing the living away
Breathing into you the scent of wounded flesh,
The scent of weakness and feeble hearts,
Writhing solitude right in the middle of people praising your name.
A million breathless hours of life,
Fulfilled by the promise of hiding everything away
In plain sight, so no one to ever see it...
To keep each one at bay.
You talked along with the left side of your mind
Your ego brought you triumph,
No hesitation in your way,
Achieving more - its own religion,
To reach its perfect serving state..
Rewarding life, a stream of conquests,
Your great ally rejoicing on its prominence and lust,
While in silence, fiercely feasting on your heart,
Halting all roads ahead to make you not to soar,
While repaying you its most and best of earthly dust.
It was for you to dwell in its illusive castle,
Confusion feeding of real you being him,
For you to not know how much more you are,
Never too far so to dream..
Little to talk to your own self straightforwardly,
But only through little doors left unlocked
By demonly gatekeeper, to serve its whim,
To be its flock.
And it, shouting at the gate:
Pain is the enemy, not the gift,
Kill the pain!
Thus the voice of fear answered back to me..
II. At the gates
The cutting strike of love
Cracked open widely the gates,
Your own self smitten with its virulent, strange light and haze,
Hard at first to abide it,
Hard to believe in its bliss,
Unsettling panic clashing into the fiber of your visions,
Straight didn’t seem the past any longer,
Neither its reasons so clear,
Questions became quite rocky mountains,
From deep ocean raised and loud to hear.
Unfathomable desire to follow this road,
With wide wings touching the sky,
Paralyzing fear to discover of it more,
As if you'd die...
The old path, so sweet and easy and straight,
Never feeling the pain,
Never needing to ask, but only ready to gain,
Never feeling unsafe,
Nor guessing your own answers,
Never needing to look too far to own the bits you wanted,
Never delayed to get each one of them.
Never obliged to choose between your wanted and your needed
Since all the voice of ego was whispering to you:
That's what they are, without blame,
They are a true one and the same.
Always having the resolves and their conclusions plotted,
Living a life in the radiant deceit of this master-clown,
Always running your steps high, never merely hesitating,
The mind never betraying you, having no doubt..
The giver of good dreams or no dreams at all,
Dark nights, silent nights,
The ecstasy of emptiness beyond inquiring thought,
The voice of the devil in you
The voice of ego is,
Drawing you back into the left side realm,
Yelling at you..grabbing you..
What your eye sees through the gates,
At your first steps onto the novel path,
Bewildering confusion, sheer pain,
At first, the dazing guilt,
And on, a sudden, soul piercing call to believe,
To make things flow within the new upstream,
To find fresh strength and then relief…
More pain again, as you discover,
That entering the right side gate,
Does not resolve the story of the history,
Not bringing you to peace with it or trust or faith,
Can rearrange the puzzle, understand it differently,
But not as to on what and how that past was build,
No matter for how long in you it has been living,
By its true nature, it is already gone into the mist..
To redefine its thread will only help to let it go
And enter cleaner the right side of things.
The present's always the one that matters,
Alive and joyful bliss..
Wanting to grasp your darker light,
To hear this second voice,
Brought me to see that it is not what it does seem,
Lesser to do with your expression of might,
Lesser to have with the supremacy of ego,
Something else..deeper inside
Catching you in it like in a fisher's net..
That is the muddy river of your sleepless nights...
The guilt is tool for ego
To get you back right in the line,
Not to embark into anew existence paradigm,
Towards a better day for your pure soul,
For your godlike living life...
Love is the ultimate flying machine to set you free
When heart is shining, it does become ready for it,
Otherwise, tormenting ordeal,
Incessant fight to prove what's meant to be,
An endless spinning look in ego's mirror
To validate its purpose,
For it to seek the shortest way
To make the love a part of it…
No miracle is living in its house
As it unties and kills each scent of it,
To overthrow whatever goes beyond its purpose,
To prove it is the only master,
That it is worth to bow to it.
Your soul is to break through the other gate,
To see the real light and world of wonders…
To strive in its whole presence to wisely comprehend,
The reason why for us they happen here,
In all their candor.
A great utensil ego is to grow, to breed,
Nevertheless a poor commander,
It is the real monster in disguise
Preventing us to see, to seize the light,
Beyond the drapes of things to be achieved,
Beyond the thought of life through progress further.
I’ve been diving in your pain,
I feel it under my flesh
Running through my skin and yours
And through my heart and yours,
Pain of grief, pain of mischief, crushing your teeth,
As I see you in me,
As I was you a thousand times before,
I bear within myself your tension,
Your shadowy congestive dreams,
Shudders through your spine,
Squeezing your neck,
That sweating icy heat splitting up your belly,
Hot and cold night after night,
Dream after dream...
Not moving so the bed not to fold,
So the pillow not to swallow you inside it,
Holding still the silk sheets, clinging onto them,
To catch the edge of chasm with your hands
If ever you fall, before waking up...
Sometimes your spine feels like a thorn
Thrusting slowly into your body,
Out of the reach of your very fingers,
So not to have it somehow plucked out,
With bouquets of shivers enshrouding your nerves
Like hoards of wolves wildly besieging their prey
Marching with no mercy through the middle of your back,
Like a snake twining around the trunk of an old tree,
Tightening its grip with each move,
Sensing its touch, with its fiery coldness,
Pressing harsh against your ribs of dove,
Until you feel its pressure behind your lungs
And then descending so to encircle your waist
To hide it out like between sharp claws
Like magma melting stepping stones...
I would take your pain in my hands and
Replace it with roses instead,
I would take you so much in my arms,
So to put with my hands your ribs and your chest and your spine
All together again to make them fit even better.
I would kiss you for so long,
I would sip your lips with my whole breath,
Until they blossom with purple red.
I would hold you with my very hands,
And hold you tight and gentle
To feel so safe and clean and bright...
Thus I would give to you my last embrace,
To show you full my glimmering love
And just to see your eyes once more,
I would give you
My whole breath
Having the true freedom
Of looking for you,
Of waiting for you,
Of having the most precious treasure
Without possessing you,
So to share its whole meaning..
The true liberty of living
The deepest wonder of the universe
Without containing it and holding back...
Having the true choice
Of giving myself to you,
Vulnerable, nude, untainted, all human,
For you to see myself as who I am,
Down my volcano and my ocean and my blue,
That makes me feel the strongest man,
In front of you.
The love for you my darling bride,
My freedom's bequest to myself,
Reclaiming me in a sole piece,
While I am waiting for you,
Craving for you,
Biting the earth to see you,
To touch you, to hold you,
Burning of your longing,
Dying for you dearly,
Being mere sand without you…
The only pain worth living in true freedom
Thirsting for having you…
For wanting you...
But means is falling in love
And I fell with you,
I thousand times so far,
So to love you even more,
As gift to me is loving you...
I've had to let sometimes,
My falling in love with you go,
The thunder of burning everything in its path,
So not to wear it out, to leave it raw,
Neither to tear it apart,
But to keep it fresh and clear,
Like crystal water of a mountain spring,
To not attach myself to it,
So to become its captive or its thief.
I want to see the dawn with you a million mornings of life,
And in my love for you,
I surrender to you,
So to be free,
So my heart to remain open,
To receive you,
To listen to you in everything,
For what you say,
For what you don’t say,
For your whole voice my queen...
I opened my heart to you
To enter your home
And it will be no prison,
As, in it, doesn’t exist anything apart.
That is the way I am waiting for you,
While loving you,
And falling in love with you countless times.
I am waiting for you even when I kiss you,
I am waiting for you even when my hand is in your hand,
I am waiting for you when I miss you,
I am waiting for you even when your eyes and my eyes are just an atom away.
I wait for you as I love you,
I am waiting for you even when I am married with you in my heart,
You are my sky and the grass and the river,
And all birds and all the flowers and all the rays of light,
To their last.